We all want to improve the quality of our life, don’t you too?

Although improving the quality of life is what we all want dearly most people don’t know where to start. One proven way is to schedule a coaching session to help clarify priorities and define an action plan. If you want to try this feel free to get in touch for a free initial session.

However, for a variety of reasons, some people aren’t quite ready yet to commit to a coaching relationship.

For those and for others who are simple interested in personal development I have recently  launched an initiative called the Club of Qualities. This weekly meeting, open to all, aims to discuss informally a personal quality that when developed will help improve the quality of our personal and professional lives. You could consider it a chilled-out group coaching session.

I have designed the Club of Qualities as a program that gets Club Members to focus their attention on one quality each week. People can join one, a few or all meetings depending on their level of interest in the week’s quality being discussed. Yesterday, our fifth meeting in Lisbon (but online presence is available for our international guests) we discussed the quality of altruism.

The previous four qualities were: curiosity, resilience, ambition and efficiency.  The next will be self-confidence. You get the gist I guess. In the first round there will be 52 i.e. one per week for a full year.

The format is fairly straightforward yet strikingly effective. We start by defining what the quality means as this isn’t always as clear as one may think. Clarity about what each quality is about is of paramount importance to facilitate and ground the discussion. Participants then share suggestions and experiences about how to develop or better manage the quality being discussed. The open and informal discussion is very enriching and provides some great food for thought and action. Finally participants are given a week, until the next meeting, to observe and develop the quality in the context of their life.

I am sharing this because I think it is a simple yet powerful initiative to gain focus and strength to develop a set of individual qualities on a weekly basis. The end goal is to pull together the weekly improvements so that the whole is more than the sum of the parts.

I am pleased to report that the Club of Qualities is delivering what it promises as participants are not only enjoying the meetings but also experiencing tangible progress in their weekly personal development journey.

Should anyone be interested in joining the Club of Qualities please do get in touch.

Join us in improving the quality of our respective lives one quality/week at a time.

To celebrate the new year I have just published my book Happiness Design: How to Design Your Ideal Life and Make it Happen. It’s now available on Amazon.com (.co.uk, .it., .es, etc.)

The book is about happiness. More specifically it’s about designing happiness. In other words it’s about learning how to define, clarify, plan and realize your very own set of conditions that, when fulfilled, make you feel happy.

In the book I include step by step instructions on how to figure out what is important to you and leverage that knowledge to generate life plan options, pick the best and make it happen.

I introduce practical tools and techniques from the field of applied psychology including Neuro-Linguistic Programming, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Interpersonal Communications, TimeLine Therapy as well as more practical considerations coming from the field of change management and project planning.

I wrote this book the way I live my life: with passion. I hope it will inspire you to take your life’s design in your own hands and to live your ideal life on your own terms.  

You can get it for free on Amazon only from Wednesday 22nd of January to Saturday 25th of January  and again on Thursday February 13th via this link: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00HVI3VQO 
After this promotion it will be available for purchase any time via the same link. 

If you go for the free download option I would appreciate your constructive reviews to help position it on amazon.com.
Feel free to share the book with those you care about.

 Wishes of a happy and productive 2014!

What do you do when everything seems to fail and the challenge appears insurmountable?

Most people tend to opt for either quitting or trying even harder. This a basic psychological reaction that is known as “fight or fly”. All animals are controlled by this instinctive reaction. When facing adversity they either fight on or quit. Does this sound familiar? Look at any two dogs in a confrontation or watch a wildlife documentary and it will soon become obvious that either they engage in a fight or one of the two opponents will graciously leave the scene.

Now let me try to step out of the animal world and back into our everyday challenges of humans. Let’s say that you feel you are not going anywhere with a job, a project or a relationship. Sounds familiar? Most people will stubbornly hang on until they recognise that they are facing a wall and need to do something about it as opposed to just sit there in the shadow of the wall. If and when they resolve to take action they will naturally go for one of the two standard options above. In other words they will either try to tear down the wall or walk away from it. 

For those who decide to quit it’s quite easy at first as the decision is totally in their hands and even feels good to simply step away. Doing so feels good because the weight of the challenge and the potential failure is lifted off their shoulders, but  the consequences may be more troubling (no income, no partner, loss of time or resources invested up that point, etc.). On the other side you have those who decide to stubbornly keep banging their head against the wall until something cracks. I am afraid to report that 99% of times bricks are harder than skulls.

So what’s one to do?

In my coaching practice with clients from all walks of life I have witnessed one common and encouraging fact:  there is always a whole set of intermediate solutions that should be considered before simply giving in to the instinct of going one way or the other. This may sound obvious but the key point, as I often repeat in workshops, articles and sessions, is that if you are not getting ther results you want i.e. if you are not breaking through the wall, continuing to stubbornly do more of the same is unlikely to yield different outcomes. The key is to look at things from a different perspective.  This means first and foremost to stop looking at the wall through the lenses of the ‘fight or fly’ dichotomy.

How about thinking creatively of ways that you can reconfigure the situation? Maybe there are other ways to get over or under the wall. Maybe the wall isn’t there and you are being fooled by the illusion that displays a wall where in reality there is nothing more than a minor obstacle. If it indeed it is wall chances are that if you only look it at from another angle you will realise that there is a door hidden somewhere. And doors require keys as opposed to stubborn force to be opened.

I have personally assisted many clients of mine who in the face of adversity and after having slammed as hard as they could in their wall without managing to break it felt like the only option was to quit, to walk away. I am pleased to report that these cases show that it’s almost always possible to find the door and go through. To do so you need to try another perspective see things from a different angle by decontstructing the situation and reconfiguring it in ways that are more aligned to your values and criteria.

A insightful example is that of an entrepreneur who tried really hard to get his idea off the ground but after much time and energy was still unable to secure and manage the right support ended up being the one taking off as he actually quit his project almost entirely, leaving it in a state of hybernation during many months until he decided to give another shot. However instead of taking a few steps and slamming again into the wall as he had done he decided to reassess the characteristics of the wall and discovered quite quickly that there was indeed a door. The wall was in fact there, as it is often the case, because there was a huge conflict between his values and ways of working and how things had been set up. This particular individual was very keen on maintaining speed and simplicity in his ways of working and for a variety of reason he allowed himself to be sucked in a vortex of complexity and slow pace movement that nearly had him quit for good. By reassessing the situation based on theses insights he was able to reconfigure the way in which he was approaching and working on his project. This shift of perspective allowed him to find and walk through the hidden door in the wall.

What’s behind the wall is an entirely different story and it also holds challenges and other barriers but the point is that this entrepreneur will always remember the lesson learned: gain perspective, find meaning and reconfigure things so that they are more aligned to your personal style and strengths. In most cases it is possible to do this. In all cases it is a must that you at least give it a shot. Whatever you do don’t just sit there in the shadow of the wall…

In the last post I have introduced the concept of belief system and have explained why it matters and where it comes from.

Now it’s time to tackle those beliefs that are limiting you and experimenting trading them up for more empowering ones.

There are many ways to do this and some use encantations which is an old and tested technique of writing down your limiting beliefs and crossing them out before writing a more empowering one that you then read out loud and with conviction many times over and over again. This works but it always felt a bit innatural to me, surely because I have a belief somewhere about reading things out loud J

I prefer a more structured approach that has 6 steps.

1.       Focus on an objective

2.       Assess your beliefs

3.       Challenge the limiting beliefs

4.       Strengthen the new beliefs

5.       Visualise

6.       Step up to act as a role model

Step 1. Focus on an objective

Although you could assess your beliefs in general it tends to be easier and more practical to do so in relation to a specific objectiv or situation you are facing. As an example, you may need to give a presentation and you want to perform well by influencing people and leading them to take action like buying something from you. Now that you know what is your desired outcome you can move to step 2.

Step 2. Assess your beliefs

With regards to your desired outcome write down what are your beliefs. Don’t get too technical here, treat any thought that comes to mind as a belief. Don’t be judgemental simply list them down and notice how some are more helpful and other less so. In other words some are empowering and others are limiting. In the context of the example above you could find that you hold limiting beliefs like: “I am not good at speaking in public” or “I have never persuaded anybody” or “I only like what is familiar to me” or “I can’t speak to someone I don’t know”. There may be also some empowering ones like: “In the end, not sure how or why, things always seem to work out”, “I have friends and resources that I can access to help me” or “I am funny”.

Step 3. Challenging your limiting beliefs

Now that you have a list of specific limiting beliefs you are ready to take them on. To do so you can use a very familiar process that you do all the time but in the unhelpful way. Think of any situation or objective that you don’t feel to secure about. Chances are that you will think something like: “What if it doesn't go well?” or “What if I fall in front of everybody?” This ‘What if’ thought process is indeed very powerful but it tends to be used in a negative way. How about using it to your advantage?

Take one of the limiting beliefs you have identified above and use the ‘What if’ process in a helpful way. Here is how I would apply it to one of the limiting beliefs from above: “What if I am better at speaking in public than I think?”  or “What if I am actually quite good at connecting with people?”

All we are doing here is to, literally, start questioning beliefs that we take for granted. In so doing we open up to a other possibilities. Doing this alone starts to weaken your limiting beliefs and deconstructs your belief system but what we are after is not just for your current belief system to unravel. We want to build a more helpful and empowering belief system from the ashes of the limiting one. To do so let’s move on to steps 4 to 6.

Step 4. Strengthen the new beliefs

Now that you have embryos of empowering beliefs it is time to stregthen them so that they can support you and carry you forward. To do so take the output of step 3 and add a ‘because…’ at the end of each ‘What if…’ statement. To increase the sense of certainty remove the initial ‘What if’ bit.

As an example let’s take “What if I am actually quite good at connecting with people?” This would therefore become “I am actually quite good at connecting with people because I am a great listener ”. Or “I am better at speaking in public than I think because I take time and care to prepare well my speech”.

Notice that you are not simply making stuff up, this process is designed to help you think of and uncover hidden abilities or characteristics. To put things in perspective consider that nobody is perfect. Even those who think they are good at speaking in public tend to take less time to prepare their speeches and are less used to face situations where a speech goes badly. They simply are not used to that. That is good in one way and bad in another because they tend to go on automatic pilot and if they hit a turbulence that can really take them by surprise . Those who consider themselves great at connecting with others tend to speak more and listen less. In other words there is always scope to question everything and leverage the findings to improve our performance.

Go through all the beliefs and replace or enhance as many as you can. Don’t spare time or energy on this. Manufacture what you need to be more successful.

Take the resulting empowering beliefs, write them down on slips of paper or post-it notes and bring them close to your chest one by one. Read the out loud and with conviction as you do so. Feel how they change your character, how they shape your new sense of self, how they make you feel you more confident and stronger as you take in the strength of these new beliefs and drop the old ones (for added impact take the original list with the limiting beliefs, tear up the paper and through them behind you).

Step 5. Visualise

You now have the ingredients to start creating your new reality. Take the empowering beliefs from above to imagine yourself in the future as you take on your step 1 challenge or objective equipped with this new set of beliefs. Visualise how you will look, sound and feel differently. See yourself like the main character in a film called “<Your name> achieving/overcoming <your objective/challenge>”.  Be creative here, go wild, make it vivid and as real as you can. Enjoy the feeling.

Step 6. Step up

And now, for the grand finale with added drama and an even stronger impact consider this bonus step.

Imagine what it would be like to take on your step 1 challenge or objective with this new set of empowering beliefs in front of someone you care deeply about and for whom you want to set an example of excellence as a mentor.

For those of you with kids, think that your son or daughter or nephew is looking at you as you deal with this situation. This will generate and allow you to access extra inner strength to deal with whatever you are facing. If you don’t have kids think of someone you care for or admire that you want to impress. How would yo behave if this person were there looking at you?

Powerful perspective isn’t it?

Try it now and enjoy that sense of being limitless.

Now go get whatever step 1 is about. It’s yours and you can make it happen. Believe it. You can.

Please note that as usual my role is to empower you  as I have a genuine belief that everyone has a greater potential than what they are currently accessing. However I am not for pushing people to have unrealistic thoughts or beliefs. Thinking that you can take on the business world and become a world tycoon may be right or wrong for you. This belief can be empowering if leveraged well but it can also become a source of frustration if you lack the willingness, resources or abilities to do what you must to get what you want. Nothing is impossible but remember that some objective are better suited to you than others. Leverage your potential but make sure to be wise about what you choose and how you deal with the realization  that you chose the wrong mission if you ever come to that. See one of my previous posts on this as I offer practical strategies to deal with this important and tricky aspect of personal development.      

Now, as always, I am here to support you. If you need help to audit and change your limiting beliefs get in touch and I will guide you through this proven process to get you to believe and achieve new heights. Thanks for your trust and interest so far.

Now that you have learned about your basic human psycological needs, your values/ criteria and you rules, you are well positioned to take on the next piece of the puzzle that defines why you do what you do and shy away from certain things: your belief system.

What is a belief system and why does it matter?

A belief system is a set of beliefs or thoughts that you hold to be true (often despite the evidence) and that shape and give meaning to your experiences. These beliefs can be limiting or empowering, and as such they will hold you back or propel you forward as you deal with challenges and opportunities in your life.

We speak of a system because they tend to support one another and end up creating an integrated system of beliefs and thoughts that over time can lead you to lose the ability to see things from a different perspective.

As an example, think of what happens in you when an idea of yours is shot down by someone you know well or not at all. This could be at work or at home or with friends. Some people react by shutting down as they give in to the belief that their ideas are never good, that nobody cares for their input and that they just aren’t worth much. Faced with exactly the same situation others react by leveraging their belief that every feedback, good or bad, is a learning opportunity. This pushes them to review their idea, take in the feedback and come up with a new version of the original idea that they are happy to sumbit again.

In the first case, the limiting belief triggers feelings of inadequacy, fear and insecurity that not only lead to pulling back at the time but will also influence character and attitude over time.

In the second instance, the empowering belief leads to trying again from a different angle and boosts resilience, confidence and attitude that can and will be leveraged over and over again in the future.

So where to beliefs come from?

In essence, they are the product of a complex set of factors including innate character traits and above all early experience and education during the formative years. In this sense beliefs are learned and embedded in your way of thinking and being as a mechanism to protect you from negative consequences.  You may, for instance, have been severely punished as a child for venturing away from your garden or block and getting lost. As such you may have developed a belief that taking on risks will always lead to bad outcomes.

But don’t think that this means that if your beliefs tend to be of the limiting sort you are doomed. It’s never too late to change even though you are no longer a child. The good news is that as an adult you are fully in charge and control of your personal development process and you can decide to assess and change your beliefs to make them more empowering and less limiting.

Although there are many limiting beliefs they all stem from three basic inner fears that are common to all human beings to a greater or lesser degree. These are:

1.       The fear to fail

2.       The fear of not being worthy

3.       The fear not to be liked/loved

If you think carefully and honestly about this you will find that whatever limiting beliefs you may have they can all be mapped back to one or more of these three fears above.

The reason why people typically don’t like to speak in public or dance is that they are afraid to fail and make a fool of themselves. Some believe that they aren’t worth much and therefore they don’t take on challenges, or do so only halfheartedly, because they don’t truly believe that they could ever deserve to make it. Finally others are so afraid about what people will think of them if they decide to challenge the status quo and try something new, that they get used to stay put in their current condition. They do so in the belief that it is the only way to preserve that little connection and love that they have with their peers.

Any of this sounds familiar? 

In the next post I will explain how to go change all this.

As usual stay tuned.

Until then remember that you give meaning to what happens around you, not the opposite.

As we have seen in the last post the first step to take on or move on is to make sure that you are aware of what really matters to you. 

Without a clear understanding of what you need and value any new project/task that you take on or that you are deciding to let go you are unlikely make the most of the experience.

It doesn't matter if you are at the start or at the end of a journey. It doesn't even matter if you are successful or not. What matters is that you have clarity about your needs and values. With this understanding in place you can fully access your potential and strength to deal with what is needed to succeed or to deal with failure constructively so that you can take the learning into your next challenges.

So how do you go about understanding your own needs and values? 

Needs and values are related. But what are needs and values? Needs are basic conditions that must be met to be fulfilled and are universal to all human beings. Values are more specific to each person and are about what they value in a certain sphere of life (professional, relational, health, leisure, etc.).

According to Human Needs psychology there are 6 basic human needs.
The need for Certainty (security, comfort, stability) which is balanced and challenged by the need for Variety (novelty, stimulus,  adventure).  The third is about need for Significance (feeling special and recognized) which is paired up with the need for Love/Connection (going beyond oneself and reaching out to others). Finally the last two goals are about Growth (focus on our personal development) and Contribution (focus on giving to others). 

We all need to satisfy these 6 fundamental needs if we are to experience fulfillment but typically we tend to focus and favor two out of the six. Those on which we focus and what we do to meet them shape what we do and what we don’t do. They influence our level of commitment and drive as well as limiting patterns and bad habits. In other words even negative or destructive behaviors have a positive intent as they are about trying to satisfy a certain need. As an example over-eating gives the illusion of satisfying needs of certainty and connection with one self. Aggressive behaviors are about generating the illusion of significance. When a behavior satisfies two or more needs intensely (say 8 or above on a 0 – 10 scale) we start to get addicted to it. 

These are well known emotional patterns but most people indulging in destructive behaviors don’t quite realize it. If they truly did they would open up to the possibility of finding empowering alternatives to satisfy those needs. There is a lot more to be said about this but this is not quite the aim of this post. Instead we will move to the next concept. 

At the next level up in this process of self-understanding we find personal values. They are the answer to a simple yet powerful question: What do I value in this aspect of my life?

Example: what do I value in my professional sphere? 
In my experience the word ‘value’ is quite loaded and for most people this word brings up concepts such as honor, religion, family or country. In the context of coaching and change values are much more practical and simply define the key criteria that you use (consciously or not) to assess opportunities and situations in different areas in your life. This is why the word criteria may be more helpful but the two can be used as synonyms.
Examples of random values/criteria linked to the professional area are: freedom, creativity, independence, recognition, collaboration, status, trust, routine, stretching targets, etc.

Whereas the needs are universal, the criteria are inherently personal. The best way to discover your values or criteria is to think and remember what you value(d) more in a certain area of your life. For example you may remember with joy a job where you felt you were being given latitude to be autonomous and creative.  This tells you that you probably value these things.

The trick, when defining your list of criteria, is not to be confined to your past experience but rather to open up to a full spectrum of possibilities. A brainstorming process where you list ten, twenty or even thirty values may be a good way to break through of limits imposed by what has been, instead of empowered by what could have been.

Once you have a long list of candidate criteria you may want to prioritize them so that you can come up with the top 5 or so. These criteria are a very useful tool for decision making because any option that you have can now be ranked in terms of how well it meets your criteria. If for whatever reason the options available aren’t particularly good then you may want to take a stab at considering and finding other options. 

These key criteria will always be linked to your top human needs. This is so because everything we do (or don’t), everything we want is conditioned by the drive to satisfy the needs. Take a look at your criteria to see if and how they support your needs, especially the top two or three of the six.

Now that you have a clearer understanding of your key needs and criteria and how they are connected you are in a much stronger position to take on or move on.  

In the next post I shall explain the concept of rules and how they are linked to values/criteria before pulling needs, values/criteria and rules together and how they can be used for deciding what to do about your project and challenges.

Stay tuned!

Coaching is all about setting objectives, planning and executing relentlessly to make our dreams
come true. However there are times when, no matter what we do, it just seems that thing just don’t
work out. At some point one has to ask a very hard question: “Has the time come to move on?”

Clearly this is not an easy question to ask oneself and it takes a lot of courage and inner strength to
look inside and come up with an honest answer. This is especially true the more one has invested,
financially, emotionally or in sheer time, in trying to get their dream to take off.

Thanks to the popularisation of positive psychology and coaching increasing number of people
are learning that it is possible, indeed that it is advisable, to believe in ourselves and take on new
challenges in pursuit of our dreams. Popular self-help books like ‘The Secret’ lead many to believe
that any dream can be realized as long as you really want it and focus on it.

This paradigm shift in our culture is great and represents a huge improvement from a time when
most people did not dear to dream and even flirt with the idea of being the masters of their destiny.
Forever condemned to live lives somewhat empty of passion and personal development, fenced off
from ever facing the fear of failure (the most powerful psychological force humans may encounter)
within their comfort zone.

However with more and more people daring to challenge their own status quo it is possible that
some may not make it and thus be confronted with facing the dreaded feeling of failure/rejection.

This post is about recognizing early on this possibility so that those who are about to embark on
their change journey, and those who are facing this tough question, may be equipped to deal with a
fact of life: sometimes things don’t quite turn out the way you want.

How? Here are 3 critical pillars to support you:

1. Ensure that the dream is fully aligned with our values and turned into a smart objective.

2. Focus at all times on what is within our reach rather than depending on or blaming outside
factors recognizing and overcoming the greatest of barriers: our limiting beliefs.

3. Define some clear ‘mission abort criteria’ and if and when the time to give up comes focus
on the learning rather than on failure.

Without respecting these three conditions one is likely to put a lot of effort into something that at
some point will fold and may leave us scarred. As the previous post suggest one should not be afraid
of failure but one should be prepared to accept it and deal with it should it, despite all our efforts,
come to be.

The next three posts will focus on these three points.

Feel free to contact me via the contact form on this site if you are coming face to face with this most
difficult question and need some personalised assistance in dealing with this tough question.

People who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed.

Experiencing failure is inevitable on your journey to be successful. Each defeat is merely an installment to victory.

You'll find that the number of times you succeed is in direct proportion to the number of times you fail and keep trying. You won't be judged by the number of times you fail, but by the number of times you succeed.

Failure is nothing but education, nothing but the first step to something better.

You can't be a winner and be afraid to lose.

What have you be holding back about? Your regret-free life starts here....

Recipe for a regret-free life:

1. Focus on what really matters
2. Find its meaning and relate it to your purpose
3. Create your plan
4. Take action
5. Assess results and extract the learning
6. Back to step 1.

Welcome to the blog of CHANGE and its management. 

This blog is dedicated to share ideas and tools to define and manage your  change. As such, these posts aim to be practical and hands-on. I will, however  share, from time to time, some resources, such as links, videos, case-studies,  articles, etc. that I think can be inspiring or  helpful.

Although I shall focus primarily on  personal change, a lot what I shall share can also be adapted to be used in an organisational setting and at work. I do this on a daily basis with my executive  coaching and change management consulting clients.

So, without any further ado, let's get started...

Why is change so important? 

First of all because whether you like it or not, change is out  there and is coming towards you at break-neck speed. You can run, but you can't  hide. Secondly because the only way to get better results, whatever that means and in whichever area of your life, depends on start doing or thinking about  what you do (or don't) differently. In a word: change.

Where to start?

Let's start with the challenge of defining what to change. Without knowing where you want to go there is no point in learning tools or getting started. Once you really know WHAT you want, and only then, can you focus on the HOW.

Most people, when asked what they would like to change in their life, have no idea. Some, when pressed, end up saying they would like to win the lottery (HOW). This is a bit like saying: "I have no clue what I want but give me the money and surely I'll figure out how to be happy". I am afraid you need to know that this strategy is unlikely to work out for you. I am not saying that money doesn't help or that these is something wrong with it, but ultimately it is a tool not an end in itself. A lot of people who have lots of money end up living quite miserable lives, as the biographies of many millionaires have shown. The point is simply that money will not bring purpose, but it can indeed help to achieve it. In future posts I shall show you that the key to happiness is understanding what really matters to us and why and linking those insights to shaping our identity and purpose in life. But more on that later. Let's start with a simple step.

So, as a first practical suggestion, why don't you take a few  minutes to figure out at least in which area of your life you feel that change is more urgent?
Is it at work? Or it may have to do with your relationships and  how you deal with people? Your health perhaps? Or maybe your finances? Could it  be how you use your free time to develop and have fun? If you  are not sure in which part of your life change is more needed, think about each  of the above areas and assess from 0 (min) to 10 (max) how satisfied you are. 

Then step back and take a look at the results. Is one standing out as having a big gap? If so that is where you are likely to find a significance. Does it also feel particular urgent? If so, congratulations, you have now narrowed down the
options and can focus on that area.

In my next post I will explain how to do just that. So watch this space.

Should you feel the need for support or more information regarding the suggestion above, drop me a line.
I am always happy to assist you as you try to define what needs to change.

Remember that as a coach I am content-light and it is always up to you to decide what really matters. I just provide the context, the structure, the questions and help you focus to get going and stay on track in your change journey.