What do you do when everything seems to fail and the challenge appears insurmountable?

Most people tend to opt for either quitting or trying even harder. This a basic psychological reaction that is known as “fight or fly”. All animals are controlled by this instinctive reaction. When facing adversity they either fight on or quit. Does this sound familiar? Look at any two dogs in a confrontation or watch a wildlife documentary and it will soon become obvious that either they engage in a fight or one of the two opponents will graciously leave the scene.

Now let me try to step out of the animal world and back into our everyday challenges of humans. Let’s say that you feel you are not going anywhere with a job, a project or a relationship. Sounds familiar? Most people will stubbornly hang on until they recognise that they are facing a wall and need to do something about it as opposed to just sit there in the shadow of the wall. If and when they resolve to take action they will naturally go for one of the two standard options above. In other words they will either try to tear down the wall or walk away from it. 

For those who decide to quit it’s quite easy at first as the decision is totally in their hands and even feels good to simply step away. Doing so feels good because the weight of the challenge and the potential failure is lifted off their shoulders, but  the consequences may be more troubling (no income, no partner, loss of time or resources invested up that point, etc.). On the other side you have those who decide to stubbornly keep banging their head against the wall until something cracks. I am afraid to report that 99% of times bricks are harder than skulls.

So what’s one to do?

In my coaching practice with clients from all walks of life I have witnessed one common and encouraging fact:  there is always a whole set of intermediate solutions that should be considered before simply giving in to the instinct of going one way or the other. This may sound obvious but the key point, as I often repeat in workshops, articles and sessions, is that if you are not getting ther results you want i.e. if you are not breaking through the wall, continuing to stubbornly do more of the same is unlikely to yield different outcomes. The key is to look at things from a different perspective.  This means first and foremost to stop looking at the wall through the lenses of the ‘fight or fly’ dichotomy.

How about thinking creatively of ways that you can reconfigure the situation? Maybe there are other ways to get over or under the wall. Maybe the wall isn’t there and you are being fooled by the illusion that displays a wall where in reality there is nothing more than a minor obstacle. If it indeed it is wall chances are that if you only look it at from another angle you will realise that there is a door hidden somewhere. And doors require keys as opposed to stubborn force to be opened.

I have personally assisted many clients of mine who in the face of adversity and after having slammed as hard as they could in their wall without managing to break it felt like the only option was to quit, to walk away. I am pleased to report that these cases show that it’s almost always possible to find the door and go through. To do so you need to try another perspective see things from a different angle by decontstructing the situation and reconfiguring it in ways that are more aligned to your values and criteria.

A insightful example is that of an entrepreneur who tried really hard to get his idea off the ground but after much time and energy was still unable to secure and manage the right support ended up being the one taking off as he actually quit his project almost entirely, leaving it in a state of hybernation during many months until he decided to give another shot. However instead of taking a few steps and slamming again into the wall as he had done he decided to reassess the characteristics of the wall and discovered quite quickly that there was indeed a door. The wall was in fact there, as it is often the case, because there was a huge conflict between his values and ways of working and how things had been set up. This particular individual was very keen on maintaining speed and simplicity in his ways of working and for a variety of reason he allowed himself to be sucked in a vortex of complexity and slow pace movement that nearly had him quit for good. By reassessing the situation based on theses insights he was able to reconfigure the way in which he was approaching and working on his project. This shift of perspective allowed him to find and walk through the hidden door in the wall.

What’s behind the wall is an entirely different story and it also holds challenges and other barriers but the point is that this entrepreneur will always remember the lesson learned: gain perspective, find meaning and reconfigure things so that they are more aligned to your personal style and strengths. In most cases it is possible to do this. In all cases it is a must that you at least give it a shot. Whatever you do don’t just sit there in the shadow of the wall…

Now that you have learned about your basic human psycological needs, your values/ criteria and you rules, you are well positioned to take on the next piece of the puzzle that defines why you do what you do and shy away from certain things: your belief system.

What is a belief system and why does it matter?

A belief system is a set of beliefs or thoughts that you hold to be true (often despite the evidence) and that shape and give meaning to your experiences. These beliefs can be limiting or empowering, and as such they will hold you back or propel you forward as you deal with challenges and opportunities in your life.

We speak of a system because they tend to support one another and end up creating an integrated system of beliefs and thoughts that over time can lead you to lose the ability to see things from a different perspective.

As an example, think of what happens in you when an idea of yours is shot down by someone you know well or not at all. This could be at work or at home or with friends. Some people react by shutting down as they give in to the belief that their ideas are never good, that nobody cares for their input and that they just aren’t worth much. Faced with exactly the same situation others react by leveraging their belief that every feedback, good or bad, is a learning opportunity. This pushes them to review their idea, take in the feedback and come up with a new version of the original idea that they are happy to sumbit again.

In the first case, the limiting belief triggers feelings of inadequacy, fear and insecurity that not only lead to pulling back at the time but will also influence character and attitude over time.

In the second instance, the empowering belief leads to trying again from a different angle and boosts resilience, confidence and attitude that can and will be leveraged over and over again in the future.

So where to beliefs come from?

In essence, they are the product of a complex set of factors including innate character traits and above all early experience and education during the formative years. In this sense beliefs are learned and embedded in your way of thinking and being as a mechanism to protect you from negative consequences.  You may, for instance, have been severely punished as a child for venturing away from your garden or block and getting lost. As such you may have developed a belief that taking on risks will always lead to bad outcomes.

But don’t think that this means that if your beliefs tend to be of the limiting sort you are doomed. It’s never too late to change even though you are no longer a child. The good news is that as an adult you are fully in charge and control of your personal development process and you can decide to assess and change your beliefs to make them more empowering and less limiting.

Although there are many limiting beliefs they all stem from three basic inner fears that are common to all human beings to a greater or lesser degree. These are:

1.       The fear to fail

2.       The fear of not being worthy

3.       The fear not to be liked/loved

If you think carefully and honestly about this you will find that whatever limiting beliefs you may have they can all be mapped back to one or more of these three fears above.

The reason why people typically don’t like to speak in public or dance is that they are afraid to fail and make a fool of themselves. Some believe that they aren’t worth much and therefore they don’t take on challenges, or do so only halfheartedly, because they don’t truly believe that they could ever deserve to make it. Finally others are so afraid about what people will think of them if they decide to challenge the status quo and try something new, that they get used to stay put in their current condition. They do so in the belief that it is the only way to preserve that little connection and love that they have with their peers.

Any of this sounds familiar? 

In the next post I will explain how to go change all this.

As usual stay tuned.

Until then remember that you give meaning to what happens around you, not the opposite.