To celebrate the new year I have just published my book Happiness Design: How to Design Your Ideal Life and Make it Happen. It’s now available on Amazon.com (.co.uk, .it., .es, etc.)

The book is about happiness. More specifically it’s about designing happiness. In other words it’s about learning how to define, clarify, plan and realize your very own set of conditions that, when fulfilled, make you feel happy.

In the book I include step by step instructions on how to figure out what is important to you and leverage that knowledge to generate life plan options, pick the best and make it happen.

I introduce practical tools and techniques from the field of applied psychology including Neuro-Linguistic Programming, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Interpersonal Communications, TimeLine Therapy as well as more practical considerations coming from the field of change management and project planning.

I wrote this book the way I live my life: with passion. I hope it will inspire you to take your life’s design in your own hands and to live your ideal life on your own terms.  

You can get it for free on Amazon only from Wednesday 22nd of January to Saturday 25th of January  and again on Thursday February 13th via this link: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00HVI3VQO 
After this promotion it will be available for purchase any time via the same link. 

If you go for the free download option I would appreciate your constructive reviews to help position it on amazon.com.
Feel free to share the book with those you care about.

 Wishes of a happy and productive 2014!

As mentioned in the last post we sometimes experience inner conflicts. These arise when we seem to want two apparently opposite things. In the context of career one could be torn between the need to embrace a creative project-based venture but fear the risks that this path could bring in terms of security of income and therefore feel the need to stay put in their current employment.

It is important to deal with inner conflicts but sometimes it isn’t even easy to know exactly what parts are in conflicts in the first place. Confusion may be paralyzing. So the first step is to understand exactly what the conflict is about. Ask yourself what two main parts are at war. In the example above it boils down to a death-match between the need for variety versus that for stability. If you are not familiar with the six fundamental human needs and the concept of values I recommend that you read through some of the older posts about this fascinating topic.

Once this is understood you are ready to move on. This is how you can do it in a simple yet effective way. Doing this little exercise will help you access your subconscious mind without complicating everything with analytical thinking.

If you are ready I challenge you to take willingly suspend your disbelief and take a little step into the world of Neuro-Linguistic Programming.

First imagine placing each part into each hand. Visualize and feel each part and everything it aspires to i.e. it’s positive intention.

Now close your eyes, breathe deeply and feel the weight of each part on each hand ad simply feel which hand seems to weight the more.

Just take in what your subconscious mind is telling you by noticing what happens to your hands. As soon as one starts feeling a bit heavier than the other you’ll know what your inner self values the most. It may manifest itself as just a slight feeling but if you care to pay attention you will notice it. Remember you are trying to break a tie here. So even a minor difference makes the difference. If you are sensitive enough you should be able to detect which part, literally, carries more weight. Now you know which need or set of conflicting needs is more important relative to the other and this will point the right way.

If this process doesn’t yield a clear winner of if you are finding it hard to let go of one of the parts you may want to take this another level. The harder it is for you to come to a clear-cut preference the greater the conflict because each part is important and needs to be satisfied. It has justly been noted the most intense wars are the civil wars, just as the most vivid and rending personal conflicts are internal ones.

If this is so you should be prepared to try to find a negotiated agreement. Just like civil wars inner conflicts are not about securing a one-sided absolute victory but rather to establish a new balance of power that respects both sides so that they can co-exist and  cooperate for the common good. What is this common good? What is this higher-level meta-objective? What are both parts trying to obtain? As you go through this exercise you are focusing on the commonalities as opposed to the differences. As the Israeli statesman Simon Peres once said: “When you have two alternatives, the first thing you have to do is to look for the third that you didn't think about, that doesn't exist.”

If you are ready to find this third way engage in an inner talk where you become the mediator between the two parts. Speak to them by ensuring that each part recognizes the positive intention of the other and broker an agreement by which each part will accept to reach a middle ground solution.

Although this may seem a bit strange as you go through this neuro-linguistic programming process you are creating the conditions for your subconscious mind to be open to a creative solution to manifest itself. The answer is already within you. A helpful belief to have is that there is always a third way possible.

Remind yourself and the parts of the existence of the third way, a negotiated compromise, that will secure a greater common good. This is how to do it:

Step 1: Close your eyes, breathe deeply and simply join your two hands slowly. 

Step 2: As they approach feel the positive intent in each hand and visualize it turning into a magnetic field that progressively stretches out as it is attracted by its approaching counterpart. 

Step 3: As you hands finally connect just let the two parts mix and become one. Keep on breathing, clear your mind and let any ideas or insights manifest. 

Chance are you will come up with a third way that combines both parts’ positive intentions into a new greater solution that offers you at the very least a starting point to reframe your dilemma. In some cases you will see an embryonic plan or option shaping up in your mind. Take it and work with it. You are witnessing and experiencing a higher state of consciousness that will help you to get unstuck.

In the example above you may come to the conclusion that you can keep your existing job but become more creative at doing what you already do. Or maybe you may come to the realization that you can start doing some freelancing work in your spare time so you build up a customer base and experience before taking the risk of quitting your job. Or maybe you can speak to your employer and pitch your creative idea(s). 
Whatever you come up with appreciate that each part has a positive intention. Using your criteria for a rational analysis and/or checking with your subconscious mind (using your hands as vehicles) can help you sense which option is the best for you. If the conflict is deeper you should leverage the belief that there is almost always a third way. Open up to let it in. Then give it a shot. You’ll be amazed by how powerful this simple process can be and the wisdom in can yield. 

Try this process and let me know how it goes. 

For those who are more analytical and less prone to ‘willingly suspend their disbelief’ I will explain how to conduct a decision-making comparative analysis where you assess options based on how well each satisfies your set of criteria.

What do you do when everything seems to fail and the challenge appears insurmountable?

Most people tend to opt for either quitting or trying even harder. This a basic psychological reaction that is known as “fight or fly”. All animals are controlled by this instinctive reaction. When facing adversity they either fight on or quit. Does this sound familiar? Look at any two dogs in a confrontation or watch a wildlife documentary and it will soon become obvious that either they engage in a fight or one of the two opponents will graciously leave the scene.

Now let me try to step out of the animal world and back into our everyday challenges of humans. Let’s say that you feel you are not going anywhere with a job, a project or a relationship. Sounds familiar? Most people will stubbornly hang on until they recognise that they are facing a wall and need to do something about it as opposed to just sit there in the shadow of the wall. If and when they resolve to take action they will naturally go for one of the two standard options above. In other words they will either try to tear down the wall or walk away from it. 

For those who decide to quit it’s quite easy at first as the decision is totally in their hands and even feels good to simply step away. Doing so feels good because the weight of the challenge and the potential failure is lifted off their shoulders, but  the consequences may be more troubling (no income, no partner, loss of time or resources invested up that point, etc.). On the other side you have those who decide to stubbornly keep banging their head against the wall until something cracks. I am afraid to report that 99% of times bricks are harder than skulls.

So what’s one to do?

In my coaching practice with clients from all walks of life I have witnessed one common and encouraging fact:  there is always a whole set of intermediate solutions that should be considered before simply giving in to the instinct of going one way or the other. This may sound obvious but the key point, as I often repeat in workshops, articles and sessions, is that if you are not getting ther results you want i.e. if you are not breaking through the wall, continuing to stubbornly do more of the same is unlikely to yield different outcomes. The key is to look at things from a different perspective.  This means first and foremost to stop looking at the wall through the lenses of the ‘fight or fly’ dichotomy.

How about thinking creatively of ways that you can reconfigure the situation? Maybe there are other ways to get over or under the wall. Maybe the wall isn’t there and you are being fooled by the illusion that displays a wall where in reality there is nothing more than a minor obstacle. If it indeed it is wall chances are that if you only look it at from another angle you will realise that there is a door hidden somewhere. And doors require keys as opposed to stubborn force to be opened.

I have personally assisted many clients of mine who in the face of adversity and after having slammed as hard as they could in their wall without managing to break it felt like the only option was to quit, to walk away. I am pleased to report that these cases show that it’s almost always possible to find the door and go through. To do so you need to try another perspective see things from a different angle by decontstructing the situation and reconfiguring it in ways that are more aligned to your values and criteria.

A insightful example is that of an entrepreneur who tried really hard to get his idea off the ground but after much time and energy was still unable to secure and manage the right support ended up being the one taking off as he actually quit his project almost entirely, leaving it in a state of hybernation during many months until he decided to give another shot. However instead of taking a few steps and slamming again into the wall as he had done he decided to reassess the characteristics of the wall and discovered quite quickly that there was indeed a door. The wall was in fact there, as it is often the case, because there was a huge conflict between his values and ways of working and how things had been set up. This particular individual was very keen on maintaining speed and simplicity in his ways of working and for a variety of reason he allowed himself to be sucked in a vortex of complexity and slow pace movement that nearly had him quit for good. By reassessing the situation based on theses insights he was able to reconfigure the way in which he was approaching and working on his project. This shift of perspective allowed him to find and walk through the hidden door in the wall.

What’s behind the wall is an entirely different story and it also holds challenges and other barriers but the point is that this entrepreneur will always remember the lesson learned: gain perspective, find meaning and reconfigure things so that they are more aligned to your personal style and strengths. In most cases it is possible to do this. In all cases it is a must that you at least give it a shot. Whatever you do don’t just sit there in the shadow of the wall…

In the last post I have introduced the concept of belief system and have explained why it matters and where it comes from.

Now it’s time to tackle those beliefs that are limiting you and experimenting trading them up for more empowering ones.

There are many ways to do this and some use encantations which is an old and tested technique of writing down your limiting beliefs and crossing them out before writing a more empowering one that you then read out loud and with conviction many times over and over again. This works but it always felt a bit innatural to me, surely because I have a belief somewhere about reading things out loud J

I prefer a more structured approach that has 6 steps.

1.       Focus on an objective

2.       Assess your beliefs

3.       Challenge the limiting beliefs

4.       Strengthen the new beliefs

5.       Visualise

6.       Step up to act as a role model

Step 1. Focus on an objective

Although you could assess your beliefs in general it tends to be easier and more practical to do so in relation to a specific objectiv or situation you are facing. As an example, you may need to give a presentation and you want to perform well by influencing people and leading them to take action like buying something from you. Now that you know what is your desired outcome you can move to step 2.

Step 2. Assess your beliefs

With regards to your desired outcome write down what are your beliefs. Don’t get too technical here, treat any thought that comes to mind as a belief. Don’t be judgemental simply list them down and notice how some are more helpful and other less so. In other words some are empowering and others are limiting. In the context of the example above you could find that you hold limiting beliefs like: “I am not good at speaking in public” or “I have never persuaded anybody” or “I only like what is familiar to me” or “I can’t speak to someone I don’t know”. There may be also some empowering ones like: “In the end, not sure how or why, things always seem to work out”, “I have friends and resources that I can access to help me” or “I am funny”.

Step 3. Challenging your limiting beliefs

Now that you have a list of specific limiting beliefs you are ready to take them on. To do so you can use a very familiar process that you do all the time but in the unhelpful way. Think of any situation or objective that you don’t feel to secure about. Chances are that you will think something like: “What if it doesn't go well?” or “What if I fall in front of everybody?” This ‘What if’ thought process is indeed very powerful but it tends to be used in a negative way. How about using it to your advantage?

Take one of the limiting beliefs you have identified above and use the ‘What if’ process in a helpful way. Here is how I would apply it to one of the limiting beliefs from above: “What if I am better at speaking in public than I think?”  or “What if I am actually quite good at connecting with people?”

All we are doing here is to, literally, start questioning beliefs that we take for granted. In so doing we open up to a other possibilities. Doing this alone starts to weaken your limiting beliefs and deconstructs your belief system but what we are after is not just for your current belief system to unravel. We want to build a more helpful and empowering belief system from the ashes of the limiting one. To do so let’s move on to steps 4 to 6.

Step 4. Strengthen the new beliefs

Now that you have embryos of empowering beliefs it is time to stregthen them so that they can support you and carry you forward. To do so take the output of step 3 and add a ‘because…’ at the end of each ‘What if…’ statement. To increase the sense of certainty remove the initial ‘What if’ bit.

As an example let’s take “What if I am actually quite good at connecting with people?” This would therefore become “I am actually quite good at connecting with people because I am a great listener ”. Or “I am better at speaking in public than I think because I take time and care to prepare well my speech”.

Notice that you are not simply making stuff up, this process is designed to help you think of and uncover hidden abilities or characteristics. To put things in perspective consider that nobody is perfect. Even those who think they are good at speaking in public tend to take less time to prepare their speeches and are less used to face situations where a speech goes badly. They simply are not used to that. That is good in one way and bad in another because they tend to go on automatic pilot and if they hit a turbulence that can really take them by surprise . Those who consider themselves great at connecting with others tend to speak more and listen less. In other words there is always scope to question everything and leverage the findings to improve our performance.

Go through all the beliefs and replace or enhance as many as you can. Don’t spare time or energy on this. Manufacture what you need to be more successful.

Take the resulting empowering beliefs, write them down on slips of paper or post-it notes and bring them close to your chest one by one. Read the out loud and with conviction as you do so. Feel how they change your character, how they shape your new sense of self, how they make you feel you more confident and stronger as you take in the strength of these new beliefs and drop the old ones (for added impact take the original list with the limiting beliefs, tear up the paper and through them behind you).

Step 5. Visualise

You now have the ingredients to start creating your new reality. Take the empowering beliefs from above to imagine yourself in the future as you take on your step 1 challenge or objective equipped with this new set of beliefs. Visualise how you will look, sound and feel differently. See yourself like the main character in a film called “<Your name> achieving/overcoming <your objective/challenge>”.  Be creative here, go wild, make it vivid and as real as you can. Enjoy the feeling.

Step 6. Step up

And now, for the grand finale with added drama and an even stronger impact consider this bonus step.

Imagine what it would be like to take on your step 1 challenge or objective with this new set of empowering beliefs in front of someone you care deeply about and for whom you want to set an example of excellence as a mentor.

For those of you with kids, think that your son or daughter or nephew is looking at you as you deal with this situation. This will generate and allow you to access extra inner strength to deal with whatever you are facing. If you don’t have kids think of someone you care for or admire that you want to impress. How would yo behave if this person were there looking at you?

Powerful perspective isn’t it?

Try it now and enjoy that sense of being limitless.

Now go get whatever step 1 is about. It’s yours and you can make it happen. Believe it. You can.

Please note that as usual my role is to empower you  as I have a genuine belief that everyone has a greater potential than what they are currently accessing. However I am not for pushing people to have unrealistic thoughts or beliefs. Thinking that you can take on the business world and become a world tycoon may be right or wrong for you. This belief can be empowering if leveraged well but it can also become a source of frustration if you lack the willingness, resources or abilities to do what you must to get what you want. Nothing is impossible but remember that some objective are better suited to you than others. Leverage your potential but make sure to be wise about what you choose and how you deal with the realization  that you chose the wrong mission if you ever come to that. See one of my previous posts on this as I offer practical strategies to deal with this important and tricky aspect of personal development.      

Now, as always, I am here to support you. If you need help to audit and change your limiting beliefs get in touch and I will guide you through this proven process to get you to believe and achieve new heights. Thanks for your trust and interest so far.

Now that you have learned about your basic human psycological needs, your values/ criteria and you rules, you are well positioned to take on the next piece of the puzzle that defines why you do what you do and shy away from certain things: your belief system.

What is a belief system and why does it matter?

A belief system is a set of beliefs or thoughts that you hold to be true (often despite the evidence) and that shape and give meaning to your experiences. These beliefs can be limiting or empowering, and as such they will hold you back or propel you forward as you deal with challenges and opportunities in your life.

We speak of a system because they tend to support one another and end up creating an integrated system of beliefs and thoughts that over time can lead you to lose the ability to see things from a different perspective.

As an example, think of what happens in you when an idea of yours is shot down by someone you know well or not at all. This could be at work or at home or with friends. Some people react by shutting down as they give in to the belief that their ideas are never good, that nobody cares for their input and that they just aren’t worth much. Faced with exactly the same situation others react by leveraging their belief that every feedback, good or bad, is a learning opportunity. This pushes them to review their idea, take in the feedback and come up with a new version of the original idea that they are happy to sumbit again.

In the first case, the limiting belief triggers feelings of inadequacy, fear and insecurity that not only lead to pulling back at the time but will also influence character and attitude over time.

In the second instance, the empowering belief leads to trying again from a different angle and boosts resilience, confidence and attitude that can and will be leveraged over and over again in the future.

So where to beliefs come from?

In essence, they are the product of a complex set of factors including innate character traits and above all early experience and education during the formative years. In this sense beliefs are learned and embedded in your way of thinking and being as a mechanism to protect you from negative consequences.  You may, for instance, have been severely punished as a child for venturing away from your garden or block and getting lost. As such you may have developed a belief that taking on risks will always lead to bad outcomes.

But don’t think that this means that if your beliefs tend to be of the limiting sort you are doomed. It’s never too late to change even though you are no longer a child. The good news is that as an adult you are fully in charge and control of your personal development process and you can decide to assess and change your beliefs to make them more empowering and less limiting.

Although there are many limiting beliefs they all stem from three basic inner fears that are common to all human beings to a greater or lesser degree. These are:

1.       The fear to fail

2.       The fear of not being worthy

3.       The fear not to be liked/loved

If you think carefully and honestly about this you will find that whatever limiting beliefs you may have they can all be mapped back to one or more of these three fears above.

The reason why people typically don’t like to speak in public or dance is that they are afraid to fail and make a fool of themselves. Some believe that they aren’t worth much and therefore they don’t take on challenges, or do so only halfheartedly, because they don’t truly believe that they could ever deserve to make it. Finally others are so afraid about what people will think of them if they decide to challenge the status quo and try something new, that they get used to stay put in their current condition. They do so in the belief that it is the only way to preserve that little connection and love that they have with their peers.

Any of this sounds familiar? 

In the next post I will explain how to go change all this.

As usual stay tuned.

Until then remember that you give meaning to what happens around you, not the opposite.

Coaching is all about setting objectives, planning and executing relentlessly to make our dreams
come true. However there are times when, no matter what we do, it just seems that thing just don’t
work out. At some point one has to ask a very hard question: “Has the time come to move on?”

Clearly this is not an easy question to ask oneself and it takes a lot of courage and inner strength to
look inside and come up with an honest answer. This is especially true the more one has invested,
financially, emotionally or in sheer time, in trying to get their dream to take off.

Thanks to the popularisation of positive psychology and coaching increasing number of people
are learning that it is possible, indeed that it is advisable, to believe in ourselves and take on new
challenges in pursuit of our dreams. Popular self-help books like ‘The Secret’ lead many to believe
that any dream can be realized as long as you really want it and focus on it.

This paradigm shift in our culture is great and represents a huge improvement from a time when
most people did not dear to dream and even flirt with the idea of being the masters of their destiny.
Forever condemned to live lives somewhat empty of passion and personal development, fenced off
from ever facing the fear of failure (the most powerful psychological force humans may encounter)
within their comfort zone.

However with more and more people daring to challenge their own status quo it is possible that
some may not make it and thus be confronted with facing the dreaded feeling of failure/rejection.

This post is about recognizing early on this possibility so that those who are about to embark on
their change journey, and those who are facing this tough question, may be equipped to deal with a
fact of life: sometimes things don’t quite turn out the way you want.

How? Here are 3 critical pillars to support you:

1. Ensure that the dream is fully aligned with our values and turned into a smart objective.

2. Focus at all times on what is within our reach rather than depending on or blaming outside
factors recognizing and overcoming the greatest of barriers: our limiting beliefs.

3. Define some clear ‘mission abort criteria’ and if and when the time to give up comes focus
on the learning rather than on failure.

Without respecting these three conditions one is likely to put a lot of effort into something that at
some point will fold and may leave us scarred. As the previous post suggest one should not be afraid
of failure but one should be prepared to accept it and deal with it should it, despite all our efforts,
come to be.

The next three posts will focus on these three points.

Feel free to contact me via the contact form on this site if you are coming face to face with this most
difficult question and need some personalised assistance in dealing with this tough question.

Welcome to the blog of CHANGE and its management. 

This blog is dedicated to share ideas and tools to define and manage your  change. As such, these posts aim to be practical and hands-on. I will, however  share, from time to time, some resources, such as links, videos, case-studies,  articles, etc. that I think can be inspiring or  helpful.

Although I shall focus primarily on  personal change, a lot what I shall share can also be adapted to be used in an organisational setting and at work. I do this on a daily basis with my executive  coaching and change management consulting clients.

So, without any further ado, let's get started...

Why is change so important? 

First of all because whether you like it or not, change is out  there and is coming towards you at break-neck speed. You can run, but you can't  hide. Secondly because the only way to get better results, whatever that means and in whichever area of your life, depends on start doing or thinking about  what you do (or don't) differently. In a word: change.

Where to start?

Let's start with the challenge of defining what to change. Without knowing where you want to go there is no point in learning tools or getting started. Once you really know WHAT you want, and only then, can you focus on the HOW.

Most people, when asked what they would like to change in their life, have no idea. Some, when pressed, end up saying they would like to win the lottery (HOW). This is a bit like saying: "I have no clue what I want but give me the money and surely I'll figure out how to be happy". I am afraid you need to know that this strategy is unlikely to work out for you. I am not saying that money doesn't help or that these is something wrong with it, but ultimately it is a tool not an end in itself. A lot of people who have lots of money end up living quite miserable lives, as the biographies of many millionaires have shown. The point is simply that money will not bring purpose, but it can indeed help to achieve it. In future posts I shall show you that the key to happiness is understanding what really matters to us and why and linking those insights to shaping our identity and purpose in life. But more on that later. Let's start with a simple step.

So, as a first practical suggestion, why don't you take a few  minutes to figure out at least in which area of your life you feel that change is more urgent?
Is it at work? Or it may have to do with your relationships and  how you deal with people? Your health perhaps? Or maybe your finances? Could it  be how you use your free time to develop and have fun? If you  are not sure in which part of your life change is more needed, think about each  of the above areas and assess from 0 (min) to 10 (max) how satisfied you are. 

Then step back and take a look at the results. Is one standing out as having a big gap? If so that is where you are likely to find a significance. Does it also feel particular urgent? If so, congratulations, you have now narrowed down the
options and can focus on that area.

In my next post I will explain how to do just that. So watch this space.

Should you feel the need for support or more information regarding the suggestion above, drop me a line.
I am always happy to assist you as you try to define what needs to change.

Remember that as a coach I am content-light and it is always up to you to decide what really matters. I just provide the context, the structure, the questions and help you focus to get going and stay on track in your change journey.